“Justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love.” ~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Almost every day I come across calls for help from people caught in the power-plays that bullies and narcissists love to create. I’ve been a bully. I’ve been the ‘victim' of bullying. Here’s what I know.
We are better than this. Whichever side of this we are on, we don’t have to continue these behaviours. Whichever side you stand on, your behaviour is born of feeling powerless. And that is the lie that keeps you stuck in behaviours that are not your best 'YOU'.
Bullies and narcissists love empaths because they are an easy target - they love to fix and help and often don’t fully own their power and their brilliance. The moment you as ‘the victim’ fully own your power, your meanies will run away and hide. Mean people may get pleasure from being nasty, but in almost all cases, they lack real courage. They fear power. They are fighting their fears of not being powerful enough, and projecting them onto you. Bring your brilliance and your power front and centre and the situation will change. Power doesn’t have to create conflict.
Positive thinking and ‘turning the other cheek’ almost never work because you are trying to ignore the barrage of crazy coming at you. Your non-response turns you into a doormat that everyone wipes their feet on. Your strength is in your presence and your brilliant capacity to anticipate their behaviour and outsmart them.
You know you’re SO much smarter right??? That’s why they attack you - they seek to diminish that strength. See it as ridiculous, an adventure in being creative with these types of people, even funny. See it as anything that allows you to move beyond it. Meanness is only relevant if you aren’t adoring you.
There is usually one leader - put your energy into undermining their ‘power’ and the others will drop away. After being bullied on a school bus every day for over 2 years, I lost my temper and gave the ringleader a black eye. That put an instant end to the bullying and honestly I wished I’d done it much sooner. Reclaiming my power to choose would have stopped the suffering much faster.
Why did it work? Because I created a visible humiliation that made others realise the truth of the situation. Please be clear I’m not condoning violence, just giving an example of what worked for me. You’ll find your own way to upset the fake apple cart that the bully/narcissist is so carefully creating so that they can feel good.
There is nothing wrong with you - you are just different and they don’t know what to do with that difference except try to kill it. Never apologise. Never explain. Never respond to their taunts, demands and questions. You know who you are. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. And if someone demands you do, set them free in whatever way you can. They don’t need to be part of your life.
These situations are an invitation to trust yourself and have your own back to such an extreme level that no-one will ever mess with you again. They are an invitation to set such clear boundaries that no-one would dare mess with you. When you trust you, there is no fuel available for them to light a fire.
If you are watching someone being bullied, throw them a lifeline that allows them to show up in their brilliance and magic. Show them what courage looks like. Be the friend you would be grateful for if you were in their situation.
If you are the bully or narcissist, know that we all know there is a marshmallow underneath all of that supposed toughness. You may have hidden it when you were just a baby. You may have grown up in a situation that made you ‘toughen up’. Your greatest choice in this moment is to find a way forward that is kind to you and the world. You can let your fight melt into a sense of peace, or you can spend your entire life finding new victims and fighting to be right. Is it time to show the world what kind of leader you truly are?
I know it sounds crazy, but can you see how the ‘victim’ has the power to change this situation? How their choices in how they view themselves create the energies that either repel or attract bullying? Whichever side of this you have been playing on, when you fully own the beauty and magic of your strengths, you can show up with love, kindness, brilliance and a capacity to lead the world into greater possibilities.
One last thing. What works for you may be different to what works for me. Be curious. Ask questions. Explore new ways forward. You always have choice.
Loving your true kindness!
xo
Lisa
P.S. If you don't know what's next, reach out for support. There is no greater vulnerability than allowing someone to hold your hand and gently show you a different way forward.
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